Man-up the Oscars

Ordinary People, Dances with Wolves, Forrest Gump-we've all sat with disappointment on Oscar night as the wrong picture ends up with the Best Picture piece of gold. It's not something that would easily be fixed by shaking up those who cast the votes for the Academy. The industry needs an overhaul that would man-up the dysfunctional Hollywood culture and treat us more consistently to the entertainment value our $12.50 ticket is supposed to buy.

In such a climate, the Oscar hardware would rightfully land in the hands of the hands of the deserved recipient and the past would have treated us to finales with just the right amount of bite to make us feel whole. Here are ten that came up short with their Oscar-winning new endings...

1. Jaws (1975)

With the Orca sinking and "Jaws" in hot pursuit, Quint throws chief Brody overboard as he whines into the radio for the Coast Guard. The effeminate shrill short circuits the shark's radar and he crashes through the bow-eyes rolled over white. Quint then beats the great white over the head with an empty bottle of gin until Hooper can stick 'em in the eye with that needle. After the man-eater comes to, he switches to a strict diet of seals and turtles.

2. ET (1982)

In the Oscar-winning version, when ET "phones home" he mistakenly summons the Klingon Empire to Earth. Infuriated by the long distance charges, they lock photon torpedoes and blow ET from the sky. Fortunately, the Klingons turn tail and run when they chose Newark, NJ as their base of operations to conquer the Earth.

The Fugitive (1993)

At the shareholder's meeting, instead of taking the fight to the roof, Dr. Kimball force feeds a month's supply of the pharmaceutical-plastic pill bottle and all-down his colleague's throat. When the evil doctor passes the container intact before his execution, the bottle manufacturer's stock goes up three points, which results in a seat on the board for Dr. Kimball.

4. Moonstruck (1987)

No-brainer: Nicholas Cage smartens up and goes out with a much younger girl with fewer tattoos on her ass and a lot less baggage.

5. Field of Dreams (1989)

Same ending but the Academy needed to see what was in that cornfield to give up the Oscar. James Earl Jones finds that the players have bought out the owners, who now run the concession stands. Ticket prices allow everyone to make a reasonably nice living and results in stadiums composed entirely of bleacher seats and bleacher creatures. At the ballpark, they only sell all-beef hot dogs, there's competitive balance (but not parity), and when necessary, everyone "plays hurt."

6. Ghost (1990)

"It's wonderful, Molly. The love you feel, you take with you." Well apparently, according to God, played by Milton Berle, Sam's going to be taking a lot more love with him than Molly thought, this due to years of late night "insider exchanges" and the repeal of the Sixth Commandment. Aghast, Molly abandon's her belief in God and goes to Hell after her death.

A Few Good Men (1992)

We all remember that "you can't handle the truth." The Oscar-winning change: Tom Cruise bites his lip, turns to Demi Moore in confusion, and then drops to his knees sobbing like Sally Struthers. "Hoping he might restore a man's dignity by shaming a coward," Colonel Jessup leaves the stand, slaps the counselor once, and gives him a one-way ticket to Australia. Nonetheless, Jessup immediately resigns his commission, stops shaving, and prepares to infiltrate a radical terrorist organization in Afghanistan.

8. The Shawshank Redemption (1994)

Red and Andy still hug at the end, but as Morgan Freeman approaches the boat, he finds four "interns" from the Presidential Palace sanding down the flagpole. They direct him below deck where Andy is sipping tequila and soundly drubbing Raquel Welch in strip chess.

9. Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)

Rather than burying "the Ark" like the Hebrews, the U.S. government allows "Indy" to break it open and establish "a direct line to God." He then moves to England and becomes the Prime Minister. At Munich, while his secretary of state, Neville Chamberlain, is negotiating for "peace in our time," Dr. Jones leads an invasion of France to piss off Hitler. Not bogged down by fleeing Frenchmen, England  easily routes Germany's unprepared army in the Ardennes and Hitler goes on to patent "painting by numbers" in the Tower of London after the war. The French, always courteous to any invading force, are eternally grateful for being conquered by an American and open the first EuroDisney in 1952.

10. Jerry Maguire (1996)

"Oscar" likes how Jerry is moved by his client's scene with his family at the end, but would have been much happier if Jerry Maguire accepted that he is simply not a clone of Cuba Gooding, family man. So instead, he mails Renee Zellweger her COBRA application, then goes out with a much younger girl with a tattoo on her ass and a lot less baggage.

Rye Girls win Section One Title

Suburban Brawl Brings Roller Derby to Yonkers

Suburbia Roller Derby does not need a Jimmy Dugan to dissertate on the incompatibility of skating and crying. But when it's more than hurt feelings at stake, a salty discharge is certainly tolerated in the "league" Yonkers calls its "own." One need only look to Chappaqua Mom and Suburban Brawl Jammer, Jane "Lesley E. Visserate" McManus, for the answer .

"Cry," she said of breaking her tailbone in 2008, "I got back up and continued to jam because I didn't want to be a baby about it."

The bravado is more a function of competitiveness than the theatrics of the past. The WWE component is gone, says the ESPNNY columnist, and bouts now consist of skill, strategy and endurance.

The objective is for each teams' two jammers to pass the opposition's four blockers, getting one point per pass. Otherwise, blockers play offense and defense simultaneously. "You're trying to assist your jammers, and at the same time, block the other jammers," she says.

Likening it to controlling the football line of scrimmage, it's about positioning, as legal contact is limited between the shoulders and thighs. An elbow to the head is a major penalty that you want to avoid, she says.

Her introduction came doing a story for The Journal News in 2006 on a Connecticut Roller Derby league. As a lifelong athlete, it appealed, but she had reservations about the contact - until considering her past playing pickup basketball with men. "I figured it would be about the same," she says.

Signing on when this skater owned league came to the rink on Tuckahoe Road in 2007, she regained the outlet lost to pregnancy and parenthood. An outlet she recommends to any woman who wants to escape the fitness paradigm at the gym. "It's an awful experience where you listen to loud music and will yourself into losing a pound," she says.

That's replaced with a competitive determination in which athletes practice two to four times a week for two hours each. Bouts consist of two 30-minute halves, which have skaters on for fifteen, two-minute shifts.

Either way, the centrifugal forces expended do not put as big a dent in the effort as it might seem. "It's exhausting," she says, and having puke buckets handy is a comfort (even though she's never needed one).

Although, she doesn't want to scare off women with less miles on their sports' resume. There are women who have never played any sport, and after training for a while, they become incredible skaters, she says.

Additionally, there's room to learn on the "B" team with the Backyard Bullies. It's a way for us to get our younger players competition, she says.

Of course, the difference separating the A-team, which will be competing in the Eastern Regional Tournament in September at The County Center, is vast. If you're an "A" player, you have a keener awareness of pack movement and a better understanding of how the action will unfold, she says.

The same goes for contact. Hitting isn't as effective if you take yourself out of the play and get passed. "It's contact but with more purpose," she says

Regardless, skill level doesn't mean less competitiveness. "Why would you be doing this, if you don't want to be as good as you can be," she asks.

So an injured "A" player can create a welcome opening. Someone's noticed you, she says, "and that's the moment to shine."

But the dark side of black and blues is lightened by the support found on the rink and a camaraderie that's not at a loss afterwards at the pub. "It's just completely wonderful," she says.

It's a also a venue in which moms can model themselves in a role exhibiting strength. "Kids love watching their mothers do something powerful," she says.

Nonetheless, kids know all about the constraints on crying in case mommy is knocked off her bearings. "They know it's part of the game," she says.

As for her husband, he plays tennis and her belief is that inter-murals make for stronger relationshipswhen both partners have them. Otherwise, new fishnets (which are worn so the skin does not get stuck to the surface in falls) can add a little something to the intramurals, she jokes.

How's that sit with fans attracted to the sexy power of Roller Derby. Not sure, she concludes, you have to ask them.

Based on the BIS and its History in WWII, Behemoth Banks will never Be too Big to Fail or Jail

“We will hang the capitalists with the rope that they sell us,” once said Lenin. As it turned out, it’s Hitler who really should have said it, as I was cruised past the Full Movies Documentary, “Hitler’s Bankers ” and looked into the matter online.

Yes, quite a number of Swiss Banks collaborated with the Nazis and cleaned their money but the biggest offense come from an institution that still exists – The Bank of International Settlements.

Following the Munich Agreement and Czechoslovakia’s annexation, the first thing the Nazi’s did upon entering Prague was fill out a rather large withdrawal slip at the national bank – armed guards providing the necessary identification. As such, the directors of the bank were ordered to send a request for 23.1 metric tons of gold that was held in an account for Czechoslovakia at the BIS in London.

Of course, the Czech officials were certain that the requests would not be honored of the obvious duress they were under. The officials were sadly mistaken. “This exhibits a window into a world of fearful deference to authority, the primacy of procedure over morality, a world where, for the bankers, the most important thing is to keep the channels of international finance open, no matter what the human cost,” according to The Telegraph’s Adam Lebor and his article, “Never Mind the Czech Gold the Nazis stole.”

Nonetheless, the state of war that soon followed put no holds on BIS standard procedure. “The BIS was so entwined with the Nazi economy that it helped keep the Third Reich in business. It carried out foreign exchange deals for the Reichsbank; it accepted looted Nazi gold; it recognized the puppet regimes installed in occupied countries, which, together with the Third Reich, soon controlled the majority of the bank’s shares,” writes Lebor.

Not to be outdone, the Nazis continued to pay interest on BIS loans. “Thus, through the BIS, the Reichsbank was funding the British war economy,” says Lebor.

Banking without borders also extended to our shores. Thomas McKittrick was an American Banker and President of the BIS when the US entered the war and danced the blurred lines to keep the BIS in business. While he did pass information back to the OSS from Nazi bank officials, there was definitely cooperation between allied and German business interest through BIS.

Known as the “Harvard Plan,” reports Lebor, “as allied soldiers were fighting through Europe, McKittrick was cutting deals to keep the Germany economy strong.”

Conveniently framed under the necessity of planning for the post war economy, the argument held more than enough water against the efforts of those like Henry Morgenthau who tried to close down the bank. Making them pay wasn’t in the cards either, as five BIS directors were tried for war crimes.

“They don’t hang bankers,” said Hjalmar Schacht, the onetime president of the Reichsbank. He was right.

None the BIS officials convicted, the behemoth would over the decades pave the way euro, has only about 140 secret customers and made a tax-free profit of about £900 million last year. Additionally, every other month it hosts the Global Economy Meetings, where 60 of the most powerful central bankers meet, while making itself a central pillar of the global financial system, according to Lebor.

And you wanted a few American bankers – or even one - to go to jail for the mere global economic crisis they caused in 2008. Yeah, good luck with that.

Bronxdale Avenue